The Problem with Aspiring to Be Virtuous

The problem with aspiring to be increasingly virtuous is that, at times, you are bound to fail. We're all human, a.k.a. we all fail. But when we fail, we may--as we seek to deepen our moral character--end up judging ourselves for having reactions that are not-so-virtuous.

Example #1: Attachment to Blogging
In my very first post on Constant Curiosity I discussed how for years I resisted blogging. This was, in part, because I felt that blogging would lead to too much self-indulgence, not to mention increased computer time (which, given that I already sit behind a computer all day at work and generally uses the computer far-too-often, did not sound very appealing). I didn't want to get caught up in blogging, didn't want to form an attachment to needing to blog nor self-judgment about whether I'd say anything of interest. And now that I do blog another concern has arisen: that of forming attachments to whether other people comment on what I say. I may feel hurt if people don't comment on my blog. Yet, I don't want to care about these things. These are not my motivations for blogging. I blog for myself, to educate myself spiritually, to arrive at a greater understanding of truth through discourse with you all, and to, through God's grace, to be of service and potentially share something that might be illuminating to the passerby. But alas, as much as I try, at times I feel these negative attachments. And then the self-judgment may come. When it does, I wonder whether I should even blog at all? One means of lessening attachments is disposing of the source of potential attachment. Perhaps I should stop blogging if I recognize that I'm developing such attachments? But that sort of seems like a cop-out.

So how does this example relate to virtuosity? Well, as I strive to be more virtuous I recognize that it would be better for me and all concerned if I did not have such attachments. What's interesting is that because I aspire to move beyond these attachments or qualities of my lower self, I may end up suppressing and/or hiding feelings of hurt, guilt, self-doubt, distrust because I see them as not being virtuous/qualities of my higher self.

Thus, I think it can be problematic to strive to be virtuous. This self-judgment that crops up when failure arises in our path to be more virtuous is not ideal. Surely such self-doubt, and the pain and suffering we inflict upon ourselves for having these very human yet not virtuous feelings would also be undesirable. We humans are bound to fail at times.

Example #2: Jealousy
Here's another example: let's say I'm feeling jealous. Jealousy is a quality of my lower self, one that hinders unity and trust. Jealousy is not a virtue. I tend to judge myself rather harshly when I notice that I am having any feelings of jealousy. I aspire to grow beyond having any jealousy.

For you to ponder...
I wonder whether we should always communicate with those we care about when we are feeling hurt because of a reaction that comes from our lower self? Should I tell my lover if I'm feeling jealous? Or would it be better to recognize this feeling/reaction silently and focus on moving beyond it without discussing it with him? Or, going back to the 1st example, if I recognize that I'm feeling hurt that a particular person has not posted a comment on my blog in a long time and I recognize that I'm aspiring to move beyond such attachments, is it better to not say anything (potentially continuing to let it bother me in the process) or to bring it up in order to deal with the feeling and move on? Does saying something merely fan the flame that reinforces the lower self? This is something I wonder about in a great number of circumstances when my thoughts/actions/choices are less than virtuous.

Here’s my answer. I generally tend to error on the side of communication. But this communication, while open, should be also be thoughtful, not reactionary -- we should take ownership for our hurt feelings, be honest about our vulnerabilities and fears.

Ideally, I don't think that the answer is to ignore or judge ourselves for our less than virtuous moments, precisely because we should also strive to forgive ourselves, be gentle and loving with ourselves. If we get stuck in the self-judgment, it becomes much harder to grow in a positive direction. Of course, all this is easier said than done. To restore peace within yourself, you must follow the Buddha’s advice to first love yourself. Thich Nhat Hanh writes in True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart:

“If you are not able to take care of yourself, if you are not able to accept yourself, how could you accept another person and how could you love him or her? So it is necessary to come back to yourself in order to be able to achieve the transformation.” (p. 44)